I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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