Yo dont text me then not text me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
