not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
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