a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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