Your mouth is God's brothel.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
