Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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