they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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