i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
