Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
