your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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