This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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