the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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