i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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