No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
