sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
