I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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