i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
