You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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