Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
