watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
