so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
