i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
