i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
