my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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