the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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