Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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