I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
