I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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