Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
