I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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