Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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