i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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