someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
