I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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