Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
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I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
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I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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