shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
