Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
