Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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