i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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