There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
