Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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