I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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