Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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