I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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