i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
