I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
