I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
