Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
