i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
