There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
