My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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