i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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