Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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