We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
