I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
