If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
