I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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